Blasphemous Tennis

Today was a Saturday classic. Yard work, being outside in the air...and stuff, indeed. Not amazing, but it beats going to prom right (Tonight it prom for the kids in town.)?

We were able to play tennis for a couple of hours though, which is really good considering we haven't been able to play much because of the weather. *ahem* Towards the end of our session though, I started to get really bored...and yelled the following at Laura, who I was playing in a singles match.

(All that follows was said in a manly hick like voice, and was indeed, quite random.)

Camille (Yelling) : "I heard YOU, was the son of GOD!"

Camille: (Still Yelling) "I said, I said...I heard YOU was the son of GOD!"

Laura: (Yelling as well) "Well, is you, or is you ain't...the SON of GOD?"

~

Ha! It was a riot, I don't know why I started it, and I don't know who we were actually talking to, but it was hilarious. We just kept yelling it over and over again, accenting parts when we would hit the tennis ball...

I hope we weren't being too blaphemous, because we're not going to church tomorrow either... yikes.

What color they were

She sat on her bedroom floor,
Listening to a song…
That brought memories to her mind,
And tears to her eyes.

She brushed away a tear,
And looked down at her feet,
Her nails were painted…
And she remembered the night,
When she told him what color they were.

The polish was old,
It was time for it to go…
That’s why the girl,
Was sitting on her floor.

She was taking it off,
But all she could think,
Was that he knew,
What color they were.

She finished her job,
Her nails were clean,
The song was almost over,
But the only thing,
That was on her mind,
As she stared at those bare nails…

Was that he no longer knew,
What color they were.

I think you should all come with me

As of yesterday at 2:00 Fellers were officially completely moved out of their house and on their way down to Williamsberg. *Long breath* Oh thank heaven.

It feels so great to have our house back… there will no longer be a fight about every single thing the kids want to do. Seriously, those kids, combined with ours, had to make a fight out of EVERYTHING. Seating arrangements, the order in which we rode our bikes on bike rides, whose tennis team they were going to be on, who got more macaroni and cheese… oi vey! I am REALLY starting to think we were gifted with some really nice kids in our family, really… just…wow. I almost snapped a couple times yesterday. I was thinking ‘You know three days is long ENOUGH! Now I want you kids to SHUT THE FLIP UP!!!’. Of course it didn’t come out like that, it came out more like “Um…you guys are fighting like a bunch of little girls, now decide what you want to do in the next three seconds or I’m taking you all home.”.

Anyways.

So Mom said we should come with them to CR (This was last night.) and see a movie and go out for dinner or something… heh, kind of like a celebration of Fellers being gone.

We thought that might be fun, so the girls and I got quasi dressed up. I did my hair a way I’ve never done it before, went with an army reen shirt, and wore my choker and earrings from London. It was fun, I hadn’t worn them in a while…

We saw ‘The Interpreter’ which was actually pretty good, Kidman got a little annoying but you know, there aren’t many choices right now so as they say “Beggers can’t be choosers.”. Then we walked over to Panera for dinner, and oh my gosh… weirdness. It was the Panera on the south side of town, which we rarely go to… so I wasn’t aware that my friend Nick Smith worked there, but there he was! So I chatted with him for a second, and then this chick we know slightly from Vinton walks by and talks to us for a while. THEN, we see this dude from our church in the corner eating with his family. Ugggg, so pleasantries must be exchanged with him as well. Half an hour later, Mom walks in with Sophia.

Mom: “Sophia had to use the bathroom.”

Laura: “Oh.”

Emily: “Where’s Dad?”

Mom: “He’s out in the car talking to… oh wait, you guys didn’t call him again?”

Camille: “No.”

Mom: “I could have sworn he was talking to one of you…weird.”

Camille: “Mom, its time to move.”

Mom: “Why?”

Camille: “Because we can’t go anywhere without running into someone we know.”

Mom: “Yeah, it is bad.”

Camille: “Heck yes it is, anonymity is a precious gift, and it has been stolen from us here. It is time to put the house on the market, and become ‘Now who are those peoples?’ again.

Mom: “Okay.”

So about an hour after we have this conversation, we go into Target and run into two more sets of people we know. Now we weren’t even in our home town, don’t get me started on how hard it is do go somewhere in our crazy creepy weird little town. Wait, its not hard…it’s impossible! And they know information about us as well! I went into the grocery store two days ago to buy 2 GALLONS OF MILK and ran into three people I knew, and one of them said to me “Oh say, how’s that little brother of yours doing? We heard he had to go to the emergency room for something…oh, and nice job on that mowing at your dad’s office! That office always looks so nice…”.

????? ??? ????????????!!!!!??????! !! ? ???? !!!!!!??? I can't even gut grass without someone commenting.

On the way home…

Camille: “I’m getting out, and I think all of you should come with me.”

Emily: “Sounds cool.”

Mom: *laughs *

Laura: “As long as there’s a tennis court I can play at.”

“I’m not going to listen to any of this bull music. (In reference to the ‘in’ song by Jet.) ”

-Seth Studer, April 28, 2005, directly after singing the lyrics to Brittney Spears’s ‘Hit me baby one more time’ whilst it played on the radio.

He also knew exactly what point the song was at when we stumbled upon it. He loves that song. He sang that song.

~

We took Laura driving tonight, that’s why we were in the car listening to the radio. Well, we were listening to the radio because I apparently forgot to bring music, even though nobody told me to. We took Laura driving tonight because she just got her permit last week, and she needs practice before drivers ed.

It was fun, Seth sat in the front with Laura because he’s over 21, and Emily sat in the back with me. It was weird, I never sit in the back…I usually drive, but it was kind of nice. I wanted to sit with Emily anyways though because she’s been… a little more down then usual lately. She’s often a blue girl, but, there has been so much shit going on lately…that it’s getting to her. We all have to work pretty hard to keep this house going, but I think that Em… is just so young… that it’s starting to get to her. She’s been having a rough time emotionally with all her diabetic stuff lately too, but I totally respect that. She’s sick dealing with it, she’s been dealing with is since she was seven… man.

It’s so sad. She was sitting at the table with us tonight during dinner, and I saw her eyes fill with tears and she got up and walked quickly into the living room and crumpled into one of our giant chairs. I then proceded to hop in the chair with her of course...heh...and she said she's just been having a really hard time. She tried not to cry though. I hate it when she tries not to cry... it's so sad...

~

The drive was good though. We laughed… it was good.

~

May I burn in hell for saying this… but unless children are nice, or I love them (Such as siblings, and a few rare children, etc.) , or I’m getting paid to put up with their brattiness, I simply cannot stand them! The Feller children are awfuuuuuuul. They fight, they boss, they throw fits, they’re selfish…they create division in our family… and they’re not even that cute! I mean Alec is a doll, and he doesn’t cause that many problems… but the rest of them, oi vey! They’re coming back tomorrow.

~

I’ve decided that I am going to become a genetic engineer when I grow up, get a group of brilliant scientists together, and with their help…I will create a perfect husband who will have to have some sort of rapid aging for the first twenty some years of his life, and then design perfect children who will be kind and have many other wonderful character traits.

I think that’s the only way to do it, having kids the natural way is just too risky… you can only do so much with good parenting, and you never know when I little demon is going to randomly pop out…

~

(I’m kidding, but I still think the idea isn’t half bad.)

Under Attack

Fellers are moving down to Williamsberg today, so we have the kids here. We have 6 kids, 2 toddlers, 1 baby, 3 teenagers, and one middle aged Mom inside this house right now. Video games are being played, puzzels are being dumped, pool is being played, cards are flying...

I hope we survive this.

Sadness

A sad day today. Dad and Mom had a fight, that was quite awful... and it was over something that has been going on for such a long time, and I just wish it would end. It's office issues, basically Dad's psycho bitch secratary. She.... is insane, and the company doesn't like their IRs just getting rid of their BOAs like *that*, basically because they don't want to get sued. Ugg, it's a long story kids. All of this stress is killing Dad though, and Mom is giving up.

~

I had dance tonight, apparently I forgot about my class having our pictures taken last Sunday night...oops. Oh, and I could just...grrr... do something very violent to this 'Amy' chick who is in my class. She's an idiot, she's totally self obsorbed...she stares at her stupid self in the mirror forever and doesn't pay attention, and then she makes a huge fuss about not knowing the steps so we have to waste time getting her to shut up long enough for Joan to tell her that she could practice it with her AFTER class. Guh... oh, and of course all the girls were telling me about their STUPID prom dresses, it sounds like 40% of the dresses will be teal (GAG), and another 40% will be violet. I HATE those two colors when used in formal dresses, heck, I hate prom dresses period, but when I have to listen to them describe every single little detail about their teal and violet dresses... I come very close to snapping. I don't go to the school. I could have gone to this prom if I wanted to. I didn't want to. Please girls, go talk about your dresses to someone else. I'm a grump who really doesn't care.

~

Okay all of that wasn't really that big of a deal, I just feel like complaning. It's an easy target you know? Like, when you've got so many things going on...that are worthy of complaning about... but you don't want to talk about them becuse they're too personal... you just chose an easy target.

~

I think I'll go to bed early tonight... goodnight world.

Clean

Sorry about all those short random posts below, I know it looks like a mess. That’s kind of what my day was like though, dashing here and there, doing weird random things…selling jewelry, talking with Cassidy, going to Spanish class, trying to hold my tongue and not say every evil thing that came into my mind to that BRAINLESS Bethany, reading, chilling, having a tiff with Mom, which was weird, we’ve been doing so good…

The best part was moping the kitchen floor tonight though. It was a mess, so I rolled up my jeans, turned up the music, and got SO much water on the floor…seriously, I had puddles that were like, at least a fourth of an inch deep in places. I scrubbed, and I scrubbed…and then I mopped it all up, and tried not to slip…and it was the only part of the day when I didn’t feel frustrated, and the only time when I felt like I’d done something good. That scares me. I enjoy mopping floors.

I’ve mentioned a few times earlier this week that it has been cold, and it still is, but…everything has become so green…that I don’t really mind right now. I mean I guess I do…it’s frustrating not being able to play tennis, or ride bikes, etc, but…at least the world looks alive again. Iowa is green again.

I’m sorry I’m random, I can’t help it. It’s been a sad night…I feel all scattered.

At least mopping the floor was fun.

Oh...

...good.

...

Oh what a wretched thing, S, if only I'd known. I'll miss you.

Sweet...

I just got my first credit card in the mail, it's an Edward Jones card and it's silver and beautiful and though it has a very small credit limit to start with...it's my own!

I'm a real lady now! I have REAL plastic! Not just lame 'debit' plastic!

Le fates...

And there were rumors of a new home in Germany.

Only if the fates look kindly, on us today.

I met a boy in sunny Spain...

...I kissed him on a Spanish train,
I tore my dress,
I must confess,
That boy from Spain,
Is needed again.

~~~

Tra la la la la... Indeed. So laaaaaaasssssstttt night Twin Peaks was watched in the sunroom, and the moon was yellow...oooohhh. It was good and creepy. Very weird vibe-ish. So yeah...that's hot.

Guh. I don't want to goooooo to lame ass Spanish class.

LG

"Hey I'm not taking sides okay? I'm Swiss babe."

-LG

It's still cold.

And it's been too windy to play tennis...we haven't been able to play since last Monday. :-(

Apparently they're having a farewell party for Pastor Al tonight, I'm really surprised that he said he would stick around for it. I don't know if I'll go though...it sounds litle it's going to be 'tense'.

I've been reading quite a bit lately, listening to lots of music, trying to be outside as much as possible...

I don't know what else to say.

Dear Copeland,

I don't care what anybody else says, your cover of that Billy Joel song makes my heart feel all fuzzy. Good Billy Joel song + Copeland = 1 Happy Camille.

Points. a.) I don't want to do the stupid Spanish homework I have to do, this dinky little class is pointless, I have lost all intrest, and all it does now is frustrate me. b.) When I think about it, it's the fellow class mates that frustrate me. God, save me from this prison of a town, my soul is dieing a little more everyday. c.) Should I not have just dranken those three espressos? d.) I don't even like espresso! e.) Nor do I pretend to! f.) So why did I drink them??? g.) I think I've lost my mind. h.) Whoa, big surprise eh? i.) Should I shut up? j.) No. k.) Why? l.) Because this is my blog and I'll do what I want. m.) Was that a Napoleon Dynamite line? n.) Maybe. o.) Should I be ashamed of that? p.) Proabably. q.) Well am I? r.) You can bet the farm on the fact that I am most assuredly not ashamed of it! s.) I have to admit though, I am a little sick of that movie. t.) I got it for my birthday and watched it last week for the first time since then.

Too much TV!!! (Well, DVD TV!!!)

So as previously mentioned Laura purchased the second season of the Gilmore Girls earlier this week. Now, why she chose to buy the second one before she bought the first, I have no idea. I suppose that doesn’t really matter though does it? No, probably not. Anyways.

I never really paid attention to the show before. I’ve never really paid attention to many TV shows at all, so why would I choose some random weekly one on the WB? I hate the WB. However, I will admit…I have gotten quite addicted to said show since my sisterling’s purchase. Now I can understand how Laralai and Rory’s relationship can come across as completely unrealistic, and how their quirks could get annoying, and how their constant pop culture references may seem a bit over the top (But for the love of God, they mentioned Brigadoon! That’s so freaking awesome!), and that some may consider the show to be totally ‘chick’…but I still like it.

However, I have one problem with it tonight.

Okay, a theme through most of the first season is daughter Rory’s relationship with boyfriend Dean. Now, Rory is a charming brilliant sweet little girl who studies all the time, dreams of going to Harvard, staying best friends with her cool mom forever, and everyone who meets her likes her. Dean is a classic all American boy, who is crazy about Rory and fits in well with the Gilmore Girls, but some could say he’s nothing more then average, and that’s one thing he and Rory fight about a lot. Dean is constantly telling Rory how special she is, and how much she deserves, but Rory just rebuttals by saying that it doesn’t matter, and that she loves him and doesn’t care if he’s not into all the things she is (i.e. Rare books, well…literature in general, going to a prestigious college, listening to ‘good’ music, etc.).

However, when New Yorker boy Jess comes into town and just so happens to be ‘super intelligent’ and ‘into all those things’ Rory ends up falling for him and CHEATING on DEAN.

Now I can understand why it might not seem like a big deal, but I am very disappointed in this. She said all of those superficial things didn’t matter, and that they weren’t important to her, that Dean being who he was would be enough…but it appears it wasn’t for little Miss Rory.

*sigh* This is quite pathetic. I’m going on and on about a lame TV show. I promise, no more Television for a month for me (That’s when season three comes out anyways! HAHAHAHA!) and I’ll read so much that I won’t be able to see straight anymore.

So...

These last four days have been peachy. Oh, and the latest breaking news, as far as this tiny little world is concerned and if you will please pardon my French of course, is that I'm a heartless game loving bitch! Oh well...trust no one, that's my new motto. What was that line? "I told you not to trust anybody Dr. Jones." Or something to that effect. Yes, back stabbing is quite the plesent past time that is for sure indeed.

Also - I mean nothing that I say, so for your own sake, please do not believe or trust me. Thank you for your time, and Goodnight!!!

*bow*

The Sun is Gone

It's cold again, the cold weather came back last night. My windows are still open though.

Points: a.) I suck. b.) Dance sucks. c.) My town sucks. d.) FINALLY finding those two Copeland cds at Best Buy does not suck. They never carry them! But on Tuesday, they were there! So ROCK for that. e.) Laura buying the secondseason of Gilmore Girls does not suck. f.) But not being able to quit life for a couple of days to watch all of them does. g.) I'm going to get back to things that suck now. h.) Mom is trying to get me to tlak about my graduation party and senior pictures daily now, oi vey.

The Staircase Gallery

I was thinking this morning about something we did the summer I was thirteen.

The girls and I had an idea to crate our own art gallery inside the house. We decided on using a staircase for the location. We’d paint and draw for hours at a time, in the sunroom, on the deck, at the kitchen table…we loved it. Now you had to have your art ‘Approved’ by the system we had developed before you were allowed to hang it in the gallery. You had to obtain a unanimous vote from the board (The members being Camille, Laura, and Emily), and your art was critiqued to be sure. Not many paintings were rejected though, and the walls of our staircase were completely covered by the end of the summer. We even had guests paint some works for us while visiting, but the favorite artists were Seth, Camille, Laura, Emily, Erik, and Nile of course.

That was such a fun project, and even though when we look back at our paintings we see how pathetic they were, it is still something we’re proud of. I posted some of my ‘Pathetic 13 year old’ art work below. I think if I ever have an art Gallery of my own, I'll name it 'The Staircase Gallery'.

And two... 

And one... 

Summer lyrics.

Well, and now...this song feels right. I don't really know why.

~~~

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are,
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
And tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets, and nurse me your questions,
Oh lets go back to the start,
Running in circles,
coming in tails,
Heads on a science apart...

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard.
Oh take me back to the start ...

I was just guessing at numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart,
Questions of science, science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart,
And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me,
Oh and I rush to the start ...

Running in circles,
chasing tails,
Coming back as we are...

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm going back to the start...

Oh...

~~~

Lat te dah, boo!

Summer is very, very close. I mowed the lawn at the office yesterday, and it was GREAT. The grass is so green right now, and the weather has been, though a little humid for some, wonderful. At least to me.

I can't get enough of this air. Every year I am more surprised at how much I adore...the outdoors. Well, to some extent. I am most assuredly NOT a woodsy girl who likes to camp all the time, but I love having the windows open, and I love being outside in this wonderful weather.

Lets see...the fun for today was: Basic morning stuff (chores, school, etc.), then a picnic, tennis, crammed Spanish in, then more tennis, talking with Mom and Dad in the sun room about death (in a good way.), trampoline time with Erik and NIle that lasted forever, bike ride with Erik and Nile, then ice cream out at Leon's, then a shower, then some reading...and here I am.

My faves for the day would have to be a.) Talking with the rents in the sun room. The windows were open, the yard looked lovely, and the conversation was most enjoyable. And then b.) When Erik, Nile, and I were at the top of our hill almost home from our bike ride and everybody pulled up and said we were going out for ice cream. I don't even like ice cream that much. It was just a fun surprise, so very 'summer-esque'.

I could just hug every last one of you right now. And then I'd make you a dasiy chain and crown your darling heads.

When all else fails...

...post pictures of Eddie Vedder. You simply cannot go wrong.

And the smart man sings us a pretty song. 

Um, indeed

So Melissa S. gave me a bunch of information about church last night, and Katie called me this morning and gave me even more. Pastor Al is gone, and he left in huff. That doesn't surprise me, but this saddens me - Pastor Jeff and Rachel are going with him. Amy is as well, and so are John and Emily, Jake, Brooke, Tiff, Eric...gosh...everybody. Like, 40 of us. I hope the Smith boys don't go!

Katie has been holding a bible study at her house these last couple of months, because things have been weird apparently. She's never pressured me into coming before, but she really wants me to come tonight, so I think I will. Just to make sure that everyone is okay, and maybe try my best to keep it from turing into a gossip mess. We can't let that happen.

Chelsea wanted me to come to a party at her place tonight, but I think I'll skip. I'm not really in the mood to go pretend to have a good time tonight. Blerg.

~~~

Look!

Lucky for me I haven't been able to purchase my computer yet! Mmmm, new programming... maybe all my frustration was for something after all.

~~~

This is my dream home (So far at least.). A nice size, and I adore the floor plan and all the windows. If any of you rich slimeballs out there are looking for a lady to build a house for, give me a ring.

Coocoo

I got really stressed out tonight, started spazing actually. I let the college thing hit me again. Well, it actually started with my credit card drama. Long story short, I want a credit card to purchase my computer with. Why? Because I need to establish credit anyways, and it would be the easiest form of payment because my debit has a limit and checks are a hassel when the nearest apple sotre is in Des Moines. So blah blah blah, I've been waiting to get my Edward Jones platnum approved before I buy my computer, but I can only get a $500 dollar credit limit!!! For cripes sake! I have pleanty of money in my checking, and even more in my mutual funds. All I want to do is buy it with my credit card, and then pay my credit card off so I can establish credit for the future! But NO! Their reason for this tiny credit limit is because I am going to a two year school in the fall insted of a four year. GAH!!!!! And curses! I am totally good with money, I have my head on straight...but because I am going to a small school that means I'm a hick who is going to go out and use all his credit on a boat or Harley or something absurd like that. You know, because that's what kids from two yeah colleges are like. Yuck, yuck, I done gone and fell in love with my cousin...and I can only spend five hundred dollars of credit!!! INFERNAL!!! We've had to call them like a million times, but they won't budge.

*Ahem* Anyways. SO that had me in quite a mood. And then, as mentioned before, I got thinking about college, and careers, and stress and worries flooded my brian. I feel like I've been pretty good lately about keeping chilled about the whole deal, seriously. I've done alright. But tonight....I just....I don't know. Started freaking out again. I want to have something in my head, that I can at least think about workinhg towards. I want to think of a career that would be good, and something that I would care about even if it's just a little, that's all I'm asking for. Now, do I want to be a lone woman with an amazing career? Not really, not at all actually. I would like to have get married and have a family some day...but there is no gaurentee of that happeneing. GUH! And whenever I talk to my mother about this she always says "Just go some place where you'll find a guy to marry." That's all she says! I mean geez, that's what she did....little Miss married at 20 to the guy I'd already been dating for 5 years. I don't know if that will happen for me, so I'm not planning on it!!! Okay why am I so angry at my own mother right now? Wow...

Alright, chilling
Okay chilling.
Chillster.
Cool.
Chilled.
Chill.

So yeah. It was a weird night. Basically I just danced in the kitchen to white stripes music while Emily did the dishes, and then I threw a bunch of colored paper on the table and cut up shapes and glued them together to release some creative energy. I made this bizarre thing that looked sort of like a colorful edgy coral reef with swilrs, funky plant like shapes, and hearts and diamonds...

I think I'll be alright though. This has to happen every once in a while. I think I'll be good for a couple of months now at least.

Crap.

Lincoln: "You'll be there next week though right?"
Camille: "Yeah, I'll be there. If I don't die before then that is."
Lincoln: "Yeah...that'd be really bad."
Camille: "Heck yes it would. Would you come to my funeral?"
Lincoln : "Totally. I'd get free cake."
Camille: "Get back to work."

~~~

Well kids, both my youth pastors resigned yesterday. I don't think it was of their own free will though, I think they were asked to step down. But you know, everyone has their own story. This sucks, but I'm glad that we don't have to worry about it anymore. Sunday is going to be very interesting.

~~~

I've been really into looking at house floor plans lately. My favorite site is here. Great stuff I tell you. Wonderful layouts, and a great search system. Now I really want tons of money so I can build my own dream home...grrrr.

Why.

Once apon a time a boy showed up at a girls door. He asked her if she wanted to go to prom with him, and she said she would call him. The girl did not know the boy well at all, and she didn't really want to spend a bunch of money to go and spend hours with him at a crappy small town prom. She also didn't really know if she'd feel comfortable dancing with him.

The next night, she called the boy and told him that it was nice of him to ask, but that she wasn't really interested in going to prom with him. He said okay, and hung up. Thirty miuntes later he called back and tried to convince the girl to come. She said no again, and they hung up again.

The girl was very frustrated. She gets really sick of having to do things like this...but I guess it was the right thing to do.

And so good prevailed over evil, and everyone but the boy for that evening lived happily ever.

The End.

---

So Indeed, I had a little bit of prom drama. I have to admit, I was half-way excited about the prospect of maybe having to buy a dress, but I'm glad I decided not to. I just bought toe nail polish as Target tonight insted.

Please understand, that I don't. I can't stop listening.

I've used hammers made out of wood.
I have played games with pieces and rules.
I undeciphered tricks at the bar, but now you're gone.
I haven't figured out why.

I've come up with riddles and jokes about war.
I figured out numbers and what they're for.
I've understood feelings and I've understood words,
but how could you be taken away?

And wherever you've gone and wherever we might go.
It don't seem fair. Today just disappeared.
Your light reflected now. Reflected from afar.
We were but stones. Your light made of stars.

With heavy breath awakened regrets.
Back pages and days that could have been spent
together but we were miles apart.
Every inch between us becomes light years now.
No time to be void or save up on life.
Oh, you got to spend it all.

And wherever you've gone and wherever we might go.
It don't seem fair. You seam to like it here.
Your light reflected now. Reflected from afar.
We were but stones. Your light made of stars.

And wherever you've gone and wherever we might go.
It don't seem fair. Today just disappeared.
Your lights reflected now. Reflected from afar.
We were by stones. Your light made of stars.

Dear Blog

I went to youth church this morning, and I just knew something was up. There was just this weird feeling I couldn’t shake. It seemed like everyone was acting strange, and I just felt so frustrated, and didn’t get into anything. Not the worship, not the message…it was all just weird. I though I must be the one with the problem, maybe I really had changed and being away for so long was a bad idea…

…well, I went back tonight, and I got the same feeling. Afterwards I went out with some ‘close’ friends and they told me that lots of shit has been happening, with the leaders, with the interns…with almost everyone. I’ll spare the details, but basically it’s your classic ‘youth group cult’ going on. There’s just so much SHIT going on its unbelievable. I never expected our group to be perfect, but I thought we were starting to have something a little different. I thought our leaders seemed to be doing a pretty good job, and that their hearts were in the right place…

…but apparently they weren’t. This is just really hard. I totally trust the information I got tonight, but I don’t want to believe it. Its so scary thinking that I have TRUSTED some of these leaders that are doing awful things right now. It is such a mess.

Uggg. I just want to pull my hair out. Katie has really had it rough during all of this too. Our group was one of the first places where she had anything even close to resembling a ‘family’ and now they’ve thrown her out…just because she went into a different area of OUR OWN CHURCH! For cripes sake.

I’m glad I haven’t been around. You don't want to be bias, you don't want to get angry, and you want to stay cool and make sure you have the facts striaght, and that they are correct...but man. They're totally missing the point of everything. I don't know why they're even there. Geez, I mean I'm not stupid...this has happened before...so its not even that surprising...but it just makes me so.....frustrated.

Nicknames

The boy's gymnastics coach has started calling Nile 'Driver' and Erik 'Hole in one in the head'.

Dinosaur Oatmeal

Our scene begins in the Studer kitchen, on a very pleasant morning in early April. We find Camille standing tiptoe on a stool in the pantry. She is digging through a container filled with paper packages of instant oatmeal, and she is desperately trying to find something without melting dinosaur eggs or oatmeal that turns completely ‘blue’ in color. She just wants some breakfast. She had finally decided to give the dinosaur eggs a shot when she feels a tug on her pajama pants. Her three youngest siblings are standing behind her. Nile looks up and asks her a question.

Nile: “Camille can you give us our vitamins?”

Camille: “Your vitamins?”

Nile: “Yeah.”

Sophia: “Yeah.”

Camille: “Okay.”

Camille leads the kids over to the spice cupboard, for that is, apparently, where the vitamins are kept. . Camille has never been very good at taking her vitamins, so she probably wouldn’t be the best one to ask about vitamins. Anyways.

Camille: “So what do the look like?”

Nile: “They’re Spiderman. They’re like gummy vitamins.”

Erik: “Camille, they’re those up there. They say ‘Kids’ on them.”

Camille: “Oh…okay. So how many do you get?”

Nile: “We get four.”

Sophia: “Yeah we get four.”

Camille reads the label. They get four.

Camille: “Alright, four for Sophia…Nile…you pick out four. There you go…and here Erik…take four.”

Erik: “Oh no, I take ‘Men’s one a day’.

The three kids turn around and chewing their Spiderman vitamins they leave the kitchen. Camille is dumbfounded. Her 8 year old brother takes ‘Men’s one a day’.

It’s been a fairly fun week. The weather has been so amazing…it’s a medicine for the soul itself. I don’t think my windows have been shut for over a week, its so great to sleep in fresh air, and to wake up and here the birds.

We’ve been playing tennis almost daily. We played for 5 hours on Sunday, ha, and an average of three on every other day. It has been so fun! Tennis is one of those sports that if you want to play it, you HAVE to play it. You can’t just casually do it. What I’m trying to say, is that it takes a lot of practice…and I’m finally getting to a point where I make at least ‘some’ of the shots I want to. My serve has gone to pot, which is funny considering that was my strong point last summer, but my backhand is looking so much better.

Of course we’ve spent a lot of time in Cedar Rapids this week, but that’s nothing unusual. We’ve gone to Target every time though, and that’s a bit of a problem considering Lincoln has worked EVERY time as well. But lucky for me I’ve managed to avoid him. Hahahahaha…I’m feeling anti-social.

Oh, we watched two movies last night, ‘The Hours’ and ‘I ‘heart’ Huckabees’. ‘The hours’ was alright, but the whole CONSTANT lesbian thing got to us after a while. Afterwards the girls and I didn’t want to stand to close to each other, it was a little ‘awkward’ what with all of us being ‘female’. HA ha ha. Yeah we played it up. It was quite hilarious.

‘I ‘heart’ Hukabees’ was better, Seth and I watched it and had many laughs. Yeah…it was really funny. But isn't existentialism always funny? The Mark Walberg character cracked me up so bad...he was a riot. "Will you be my other?"

*sigh* I'm drinking coffee right now. I've found that I can only drink coffee black or 'In the raw' as Sam would say. I don't know what I'm saying, or why I'm saying it. I don't think I even care anymore. Yeah I'm done.

Mom is taking Erik to get his stiches removed in ten minutes.

We might go see an 'Imax' today, but we're not sure. I hope we do. I know we're going to play tennis though.

Oh, things might work out swimmingly well for Dad at the office. He offered a lady we know the second full time position, and she is very interested. We're close friends with her mother-in-law, and this would be great for everyone. We think she'd do a wonderful job. Also- The secratary who kind of 'sucks', the one in the part imes position, told Lisa (The other full time.) that there was a nother job she was interested. So yes, its all very confusing but if all of this falls into place Dad's life will be much better.

I've started work on my 'Seniors honors project'. Uggg. I am not interested in doing it, but if I don't I'll feel guilty. On that note, I think guilt motivates most of what I do. Hmmm...

Anyways. I've decided to go with beads, bead history, how beads have influenced and been influenced by culture, and other random bead...um...things. Its going to be a piece of cake. I already know most of the information, I just need to write a few papers, make a display, and give a presentation. That's all a bore to me though.

Oh my gosh...so much stuff at our house has been falling apart lately. We just ordered a new dryer, a new computer, and a new kitchen table. Weirdness.

*Stars*

Erik is doing so much better, and the doctor wants to take out his stiches on Wednesday.

Now though, some lyrics. This is from a movie I really like, its silly and girlish...but I love this song.

Did you not hear My Lady?
Go down the garden singing,
Blackbird and thrush were silent,
To hear the alleys ringing...

Oh saw you not My Lady?
Out in the garden there,
Shaming the rose and lily,
For she is twice as fair.

Though I am nothing to her,
Though she must rarely look at me,
And though I could never woo her,
I love her till I die.

Surely you heard My Lady,
Go down the garden singing,
Silencing all the songbirds,
And setting the alleys ringing...

But surely you see My Lady,
Out in the garden there,
Rivaling the glittering sunshine,
With a glory of golden hair.

Erik

Oh wow, we have had a day…its late, and I’m tired and a little frazzled, but I think I want to put it down anyways. Bear with me.

It didn’t start out that great, Dad and Mom had an argument that lasted a couple of hours this morning. Luckily it was a quiet one, confined to their bedroom. It put a lot of tension in the air for the rest of the day though.

I was either working or cooking lunch until about two thirty, when Laura, Emily, Erik, Nile, and I went to the tennis courts for about three hours.

We came home, and were all out on the driveway when Mom said she had to run to the store. We made sure all the kids were out of the way, and Mom left. Erik and Nile were practicing golf together, and asking me to watch them. Emily was in the garage organizing her tennis bag, and Sophia was with me, watching the boys.

This gets graphic, please, don’t read on if violence bothers you.

I cannot believe what happened next. It was such a stupid, stupid, accident. It was just awful. Little Nile, asked me to watch him hit with his driver…and on the backswing, his club connected with Erik’s skull. Erik was a few feet behind him, getting something out of his golf bag when it happened. They were just too close.

I couldn’t believe it when I saw it…and when I heard the noise. Erik gasped loudly, and then started yelling “Oh my eye!”. He put his hand on his left temple, and fell onto his knees. I could see streams of blood coming out of his head. It all happened so fast, I ran over and put my hand over the cut…it was so deep. It was so wide, and there was so much blood. Erik kept saying “Oh Camille help me.” and that his eye hurt. There was so much blood…it was unbelievable. I was horrified. I kept my hand on his head, and we stood up and started for inside the house. Emily was so scared, and she and I were yelling for Dad, and of course Sophia was horrified as well. Blood was filling up my hand, and I had to move it away from Erik’s forehead and let it run down my arm… man.

Dad heard us yelling and met us in the kitchen. I grabbed a dish towel and put it on Erik’s cut, we had to stop that blood. Everyone was insane. Dad wanted to see what had happened, but he can’t handle looking at that sort of thing. I showed him for a split second and then just yelled at him and said that we had to get to ER! God! We ran out to the car, and Dad headed for the hospital. I sat in the back with Erik, and he just kept looking at my and shaking and asking for help…it was awful. I kept calling him baby, and saying that it was going to be okay, and he just kept shaking. He was so brave though.

We got there, and found a nurse right away. She helped us clean up his face, and then the doctor was there. He said that they were going to give him quite a few stitches, and that they were going to do a cat scan. The nurse asked Erik if he had passed out, and he said when he got hit that he had seen “All black, even though one eye was open.”.

It was so so so awful. I got all the blood washed off my arms and then remembered Mom. I told Dad I was going to get her. On the way to the store, Laura pulled in front of me riding her stupid bike. She was going to go tell Mom. GOD! Laura does not know how to keep things calm, and she was going to go tell Mom IN PUBLIC that Erik was in the Emergency Room with a head injury. I could not believe it. I got in the store right after her, and told her to be QUIET. We found Mom, and I told her…in small doses. She did alright, but she started crying and I told her to go and she gave me her checkbook to buy the stuff. Man.

I went back home, and went in to see how the kids were doing. Nile was crying, poor guy. He just broke down, over and over again. He felt so bad…and he was so scared.

Erik is okay. His cat scan came back alright, and they got the stitches in. He looks really beat up. He can’t do gymnastics for a while, and he might have a scar, but he’s safe. And he’s going to be alright.

I can’t tell you how hard this was for everyone…and I can’t believe how much it effected me…when I saw Erik on the ground, I thought it was his temple… and I thought we had lost him. I just can’t put that feeling into words. Erik has always been, really special to me. All my siblings are, but he was my special boy…he still is my special boy. He has been such a sweetheart…he keeps telling Nile that its alright, and that he knows it was an accident…

I just… I hadn’t been that scared in such a long time. When it happened there was so much adrenaline running through my body that I could barely think… but once he was at the hospital… it all hit. Every time I was alone I’d loose it and cry my eyes out, but then…we’d be with the little kids and have to act like everything was okay, and that it was all going to be fine. I’m so glad Mom didn’t see it. She couldn’t have handled it…even she said that.

I just can’t stop thinking about him…even though I know he’s okay. I cleaned the house, washed all the dishes, exercised, but still…my brain won’t shut off. Maybe this will help.

Man, it’s things like this…that show me how much we really do care about each other. I know it might not seem like that big of a deal…but it was to me. It was to all of us. I feel like I’ve been so awful lately…complaining about living here, about not having more free time, just about so much crap that I shouldn’t complain about…I feel awful. I am so lucky…my little bro is alright. All my other siblings are aright. We’re all together.

I’m so glad he’s alright. I'm so glad our little sweetheart is alright. Thank you for that God. Thank you so much.

WARNING: Contents under pressure.

Only at the Studer house can you wake up, take a shower, put your pjs BACK on, run downstairs and eat a grapefruit, ride around the kitchen on a Barbie scooter whilst you clear the table, and jam out the ‘The White Stripes’ as you load the dishwasher. And that’s all before nine in the morning.

Lets break down the last few days into a couple of groups. We’ll use ‘The Sucks’ and the ‘The Dude would have approved’.

The Sucks

-Going to that AWFUL children’s play about the southwest up at Bluedorn. Man, that was the longest hour and a half OF MY LIFE.

-Our washer breaking down. SHIT.

-Spanish class with those homeschool freaks. My patience is wearing. God forgive my attitude and give me love for them.

-Dance class. I sucked. SUCKED.

-Looking ugly. I swear. I get a little uglier every day. I think by next month I’ll be at Janet Reno’s level, and by the time summer roles around I’ll be Bette Midler. I won’t even talk Mom about getting senior pictures done. END OF DISCUSSION.

The Dude would have approved

-Going to Barnes and Noble and reading Graphic Novels and children’s books for hours.

-Freaking out Wednesday night and exercising like crazy. It felt really good. YES SWEAT, ew gross!

-Going to ‘Million Dollar Baby’ with Seth and the girls tonight. I love night where we blow time and money on entertainment and food.

-Buying Pearl Jams greatest hits tonight. The money I was referring to, um, ‘blowing’. Ahem, how crass.

-Messing with telemarketers. I know I know, its not their fault, its just their job.

-Writing on banana peels. “Don’t eat this”, “Bananas suck”, “Yellow is the color of death”, “Come on Monkey, come on.” and many others.

Driving.

Watching movies with Sophia.

Giving skater boy Aaron the slip today. He spotted me, but thank God he was driving, so I was able to dash into an alley. *whew *

Feeling blue, and loving you,

CIS