Rambling
These last few days have been really weird. I’ve been working on my seniors project a TON, and it’s going alright I guess. To be honest I think I have been subconsciously putting it off, and now the dead line is coming up and I am quasi freaking out, but it’ll be okay. I think I’ve been putting everything that has to do with graduation off, said project, my party, pictures… I haven’t wanted to think about anything that has to do with my, not being in that high school age group anymore.
I say ‘I think’ but I don’t just think I have been putting it off, I know I have. Mom has as well. We had a really weird conversation the other day. We went out for coffee in Cedar Rapids so that we could discuss what I needed to get done with my seniors project, and the whole time we just seemed frustrated with each other. She kept accusing me of not wanting to do it, not caring about the homeschool graduation (Which is spot on! I don’t give a hoot about it!), and that I just had a bad attitude in general. I told her I didn’t care about doing a stupid honors project, considering it isn’t required to graduate, but that I’d do it if she and Gail wanted me to. Basically I was just trying to not cry the whole time. I don’t know why I even felt like I needed to cry, it just sucked.
We got out in the car, and I told Mom I was sorry for acting like I didn’t want to do it… and that I’ve just been having a really hard time with all this gradation stuff. Pretty soon we were in the Target parking lot just sitting their in our car, crying. Mom told me a lot about how she's felt lately, about all of this, and it really helped to know that I wasn't a total freak, and that what I was feeling was normal. It was a good cry.
I don't know....it's just... nothing is feeling like it should. I’m not excited about any of it, like I said I could care less about my party, my friends parties… any of it. I thought I would be just really excited, and that I’d be totally ready to have another step closer to growing up… but I’m not.
I do want to want to get going with my life, really, I want to experience new things, and become even more of my own person, and I really, really want to get out of this town. We all want to get out of this town. I don’t know where I want to go though.
It’s just… I’ve liked my place in my family. I’ve felt… needed. I’ve been needed. They understand me. My sisters, and I… we fight a lot, but we have so much fun together. It’s the same with Mom… Mom is great. Everyone in my family is.
I guess what I’m trying to say… is I’ve been restlessly comfortable. I’ve wanted more, but I’ve always known where my place was, for where I was at the time… and I know that I’m at least coming upon a time, where I’m not going to know where my place is.
I’m afraid of losing the closeness I have with my family right now. I dunno… I’m just
emotionally weird right now.
Eh.
Mom’s present won’t get here in time for Mother’s Day, but that’s okay. We’re going to do it next week anyways. Celebrate that is.
I can’t focus, I just keep rambling again.
We played tennis again today, surprise eh? Doctor Olive was still great. I was a little tired though, and my swings were not very full.
The Clash is the band of the day. I don’t know why, their music just fit today.
I had to clean Dad’s office. I got paid, but I hate cleaning it. Guh.
I should go to bed, bed sounds good.
Sorry about the jumping from sub to sub… that’s how my flighty mind feels tonight.
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I’ve really realized lately that I’m addicted to, and I don’t want to use this word because It sounds so assuming, but I can’t think of anything else, ‘art’. Seriously, I have a problem… no matter where I am, if I am able to, I give anything around me a flair.
It hit me when I was sitting on my bed while the girls and I were watching a movie in my room the other day. Without even noticing it, I grabbed my vase of Sharpies, and started drawing over my bottles of hair styling products. Like, putting flowers, rock star characters, swirls, quotes , boarders, and stars all over my bottles of hair gel and cans of hair spray. And this is normal.
I do it to everything. I rearrange, decorate, straighten, change, flair up… I don’t know what to call it, but it’s this need to be creative almost all the time… and it’s a serious problem!
*sigh *
Okay, bed is calling.
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