June 29th.

Well let me see what has been going on….um…yesterday we did a bunchof bead business crap, made some mullah, and ordered more merch. It was Erik’s birthday so we spent the evening in Cedar Rapids at, of course you know where, the infamous ‘Chuck E Cheese’. Blah. But the girls and I skipped the end of the party and went to the mall for a little shopping. I need a new messenger bag, but I just can’t find one. There was a really soft ‘Ruff Hewn’ one, army green and everything, but it just wasn’t ‘essence’ as we would say. Bah. Plus I am trying to save money. What for? I am not sure. Possibly one of the following. (In order of least costly) contacts, a laptop, a car. Anywho.

Eeeek. Mom was a grouch this morning, and Laura was a pain in the neck, screaming and what not. I don’t know if I will ever understand that girl. She just knows how to get Mom riled up, and she doesn’t know when to quit. Eh. So Emily and I tried to keep things running as smooth as possible, and that’s none too smooth. Ah well. I wrapped about fifty birthday gifts (we are doing Sophia’s and Erik’s birthday tonight, cake and gifts and what not.). Oh, and I sliced my finger open (cutting an orange for my lunch, yeah I'm smooth) . Then I went swimming, and the chlorine burned it. Fun. Oh, and I got all my finances in order, bank deposits, and checks for dad to invest. My checkbook is balanced. Sweet action.

Tiff called and told me there’s a drama meeting tomorrow night in the coffee shop, but I can’t make it. *cough* I have other things going on. Then apparently when I was in the shower Andrea called, and we have a practice on Thursday at six, oy, I hope can make it. Stress. I also hope they aren’t planning another sucky drama, the last two were killer…but you never know.

Enthusiasm.

Let’s see. Yesterday was Sunday, church was good. Pastor Al talked about the word ‘enthusiasm’ and what not. It really got me thinking about how I do have a negative attitude at times. I always used to try and keep a positive outlook, but lately…not as much. I have just given up in a way. But a thought hit me…I know that God exists, better still, I know he loves me and longs for me. Not many people accept, care, or place any value in that…so I am very fortunate. If anything else, I can place this wretched life of mine in his hands, and it isn’t even always ‘wretched’. I will find joy in him, because if I don’t, that’s kind of a slap in his face. It would be as if I were saying “You have given me everything when I deserve nothing, but I still hate living.” Come on Camille, you are not expected to always be busting with laughter, but hold fast to him and give him what he deserves. My thanks, my love, my honor.

Fireworks.

Okay, it was really fun tonight. Just classic Studer fun, at Riverside park. I must say though, during the fireworks I really wanted some sweet guy that I could just lean over and plant a soft little kiss on his cheek. But I was sitting next to Emily and Erik. No such luck. *smacks head* Ah, well. I got to see Brandon Emerick and his flavor of the week snuggle right in front of me, yeah. Heh. hes beautiful, but has never even said 'hey' to me, nor do I think he knoiws I am alive...but eh. He truly is a jerk, I just am attracted to him. Whatever.

Mmmm yup.

well the day is going better. We just got back from the parade...it was actually really fun. Fireworks tonight. *SNAP!*

Saturday the 26th.

Ug. Boring Saturday. Party and the park is going on, we only went up for a bit. I hate it, the minute someone I know sees me they come up and want to ‘chat’. GAH! I don’t want to chat with people from Vinton! Ah well. We might go up to the parade later, I will probably go just to make the folks and Emily happy. Blah. We finished ‘Aliens’ and watched ‘Alien3’ last night. How fun.

I’m not trying to be this dull, I just feel blah. I want a job, classes, a project, something! I would even love to just paint my room! Gah! I wish we could move. Dad always talks about moving to Germany, and lately even more often. I would love it. But I guess it doesn’t really matter where they move, I ‘m getting older and will have my own chance to pick where I want to live. Still, it would be nice to be near them, I realize how close we are, and I know it would be tough if I just up and vanished out of their lives. It’d be hard for me as well.

I need to make some CDs for Zach’s birthday present. I’m burning him two mixed disks, and buying him ‘The Green Mile’. Yeah, but of course just when I am trying to get MusicMatch working, I am all frustrated and Mom comes in and asks what I am doing, I tell her and shes like that isn’t necessary and she says the minute we get our computer fixed no more downloading! I am not downloading! I am copying some cds of Seth’s and a few of mine to make the mixes for him! She has no idea what she is talking about. Neither does Dad, they think they do but they can barely figure out how to send an e-mail. I swear, if they keep hounding me like this EVERY time I get on the computer I am so buying a laptop. Then I will have a little peace and a computer that hasn’t been totally screwed up by children.

That’s my biggest problem, my parents give me so much work and responsibility, but they hardly let me do anything and when they do they act like its SO good of them to allow their young daughter to do things the average parent wouldn’t bat an eyelash about.

Movie Friday.

Blah, the day has gone a bit better. We went to see ‘Fahrenheit911' this afternoon. It was fantastic. Seriously, I was fairly skeptical going in I wasn’t sure if it would be outrageously bias or not, but I really don’t think it was. Michael Moore stated the facts, and showed authentic footage. Sure he slanted it artistically, but you have to with your own art work. I think it is a film everyone should see, it sure made me have even more doubt in our government. So much BS goes on its not even funny. They’re not even that good at covering it up! Man, first ‘JFK’ and now this. There were times watching that film when I wanted to scream my head off with rage, and times when it was so awful tears flowed. It is incredible what some people will do for money. Gah. Theres so much, just see the film.

I’m down with the sibs watching ‘Aliens’ its good. Blah. Super fun Friday night. I was going to be riding roller coasters with Zach in Des Moines today, but the boy’s drivers ed got rescheduled and he had to skip the party. Bummer. Well thats what I get for having a guy friend who is just shy of 16. Dang it.

June 25th.

They’re gone. Last night actually got a little bit better, for a while I didn’t think EVERYONE on this earth hated me. But not before I had a wretched time in my room. I was downstairs doing laundry and heard them talking about me, like I was some dorky little brat. I can’t stand it. I just went up to my room and shut the door. My room was wicked clean, it was cold and the windows were open. I jumped on my bed and looked out the window, the only light from the moon coming from the moon, shining through the leaves of my tree. I have never laid in the dark like that, well, not when I felt like that. It was terrifying, for the first time I seriously doubted my family. Not just the normal doubts, I really thought they hated me. I dunno….gah. Then this morning Dad yelled at Laura and Emily, (I was in the shower, lucky) about how all we do is complain about Mom while she works non-stop. The man used ‘ironing’ as an example apparently. He said “You guys have mountains of ironing, and you never do anything!”

MY GOSH! We just got ALL our stuff done yesterday and MOM is the one with an ironing basket that is COMPLETELY overflowing anyways! SHE rarely even does it!!!

Stress. Oy. Well at least I didn’t have to go ‘Adventureland’ today, Zachs plans changed and he couldn’t make it. He was bummed and so was I. But to be honest I am sort of glad it didn’t work out.

Gah! And I saw pool boy again yesterday. On Wednesday I was up at dad’s office and he skated by, well, he saw me. He came over and is like

Aaron: You haven’t been swimming much lately.
Camille: Yeah, I have been pretty busy this week.
Aaron: Ah, well you know, I was just wondering if you wanted to do something sometime…you know you could call me or whatever.
Camille: Um, well you see…I am not really wanting to get involved with anyone like that right now…you know what I mean? You seem like a really nice guy, I just am not seeing anyone right now, but thanks for asking.
Aaron: Oh that’s fine I was just wondering…

Then blah blah blah for about 15 minutes, just small talk. He actually wasn’t that bad, I think his friends made him seem worse then he actually is. Still, they are HIS friends. So after a bit I jut had to say “Well I better get back to work.” And then he finally skated away. *smacks forehead* Then I saw him and his friends skating when I was getting gas yesterday, I filled up, paid outside and got away before he saw me. *whew* This is not what I need right now.

Anyways. I will be alright if I can just get along with the folks. Oh yeah, its Sophia’s birthday today, little daring. She has been such a little lover lately, we are going to have her party next week luckily, I don’t have a gift for her yet.

Suck.

Today is absolute tripe. I feel like I want to rip my skin off. I can’t stand living in this house right now, I can’t take the pressure. Well I CAN, but I don’t want to and I am so so so sick of it. I feel like my stinking mother hates me. I don’t know what to do. This house is my paradise and my prison, I can’t leave but I don’t know how I can stay.

Oh God help me.

Okay Yeah.

Alright, I just wanted to figure out how to get my pics here, and I have done so. Horay.

Meghan and Me. 

My Warning.

Ha! Ha! I found this on Peters blog, it makes me laugh my head off. Mines a bit 'risky' though....wouldn't you know it.

Varda of Stars Look out for the

m HOLE

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Dull.

Well we had a bead class tonight, made $400 bucks as a whole, not bad. I am getting so spoiled. I should be so happy to make money this easy, but eh. Whatever. So yeah, spent most of the day getting ready for that.

We’re off to Des Moines tomorrow, Mom, Erik, Nile, and I. It should be fairly entertaining. Plus I want to get some more ‘dressy’ summer clothes, I need to quit being a slob and only wearing T-shirts and jeans. But I LIKE them….ah well.

Gahhhh! Cripe. Frustration to the extreme. I need something, I don’t know what, but something. Perhaps its just finding a way to be content with here and now.

I need to copy some of Seth’s music.

Fathers Day.

Well they’re home, and it feels pretty good to not have to worry about the kids anymore. Not like they were a huge pain, and Laura and Emily were so awesome, they helped so much. We got along great, Laura and I didn’t fight once! Woop!

We did the drama today at church. Oh, and I shut my alarm of and fell back asleep this morning, so I woke up with an hour and fifteen minutes to shower, do my hair, grab my stuff, and get to church by eight...as well as make sure the house was in order before I left. STRESS! Ug, I did it though. Sound check went well, but when we went to do it during first service, the cd was junk. It kept skipping, and timing is everything with this drama, so we had to start again. And again when they put the same messed up cd BACK in. Gah. Anyways, we got it, and it was wonderful. Same for second, without the technical difficulties. *wink*

God let me feel him very close today, during worship. It was wonderful, I was so dissapointed at how the groupies were acting this morning, not like they were doing anything that bad, I just had no desire to talk with any of them. Well...at least to the ones who normally talk to me, I would love it HE would talk to me, but he only watches and smiles. Anyways....thats beside the point. I just forgot everyone else, sat in a chair away from the loud group, and focused. It was the youth worship team, and I love them so much, they’re fantastic. I stood in the asle, and just shot my mind up to him, lifted my thoughts to him. You know, when you acknowledge him, you just say screw everything else, its you and me. Thank you for letting me know you, thank you for careing....oh so much more. He is beautiful, the times when, like today, he just sprinkles his love on me and I can barely handle it. It is something I only feel with him, obviously. Oh whatever...I can’t even begin to describe it. He is God. He lets me come into his presence and dance with him, that is something I will never understand.

How sweet.

“You guys are all perverted homosexuals and I am not going to deal with it anymore”
-Seth

One more for tonight.

Woo hoo! I’m using Seth’s li’l laptop right now, this little devil has brought happiness to both me and Seth, he gets his own computer and I don’t have to stay up till the wee hours of the morning to talk to people if I don’t want to! *wink* On Vagrant tonight I read a thread about racism, it really made me want to pull my hair out. I don’t know what to say about it...its so vast...yet so stupid and small. Wow, laughs, I sound like a genius tonight. Oh so deep! *rolls eyes* I can’t do anything tonight, because I have to watch the kids, but I have got an itch for doing something exciting, like going dancing, I know I just posted something along these lines a couple of hours ago (loser radar sounding) but now its just turned into wanting some reason to dust off the curling iron and pull out some pumps. You know, have something to look ‘foxy’ for...LAUGHS! Foxy indeed....

Sap and stupid mush.

Okay, I have many a silly love song that I think are wonderful and love to listen to. This is todays, and its not good for my health.

*Barely Breathing* By Duncan Sheik

I know what you’re doing, I see it all too clear
I only taste the saline when I kiss away your tears
You really had me going, wishing on a star
But the black whole that surround you are heavier by far
I believe in your confusion, you were so completely torn
Well it must have been that yesterday was the day that I was born
Theres not much to examine, theres nothing left to hide,
You really can’t be serious, if you had to ask me why
I say goodbye…

Cause I am barely breathing, and I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day
But I don’t suppose its worth the price, worth the price,
The price that I would pay

Everyone keeps asking, whats it all about?
I used to be so certain, and I can’t figure out
What is this attraction, I only feel the pain
Theres nothing left to reason, and only you to blame
Will it ever change?

Cause I am barely breathing, and I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day
But I don’t suppose its worth the price, worth the price,
The price that I would pay

I’ve come to find, I may never know
Your changing mind, is it friend or foe?
I rise above or sink below
With every time, you come and go

Please don’t, come and go

Cause I am barely breathing, and I can’t find the air
I don’t know who I’m kidding imagining you care
And I could stand here waiting, a fool for another day
But I don’t suppose its worth the price, worth the price,
The price that I would pay

A boring day.

Well the folks are gone, at least until Sunday. Donna came and stayed with us last night and carol is with us tonight. Had drama practice last night, dress rehearsal. Everything went pretty well, I finally have the dance part down. Sweet action. Its going to be really good…

I also found out Katie and I are going to be rooming together when we go to Florida next month, she worked it all out that little schemer. She also got this new chick named Kelly in with us, she seems really cool so I hope it all goes well.

Other then that, not too much today. Watched kids, cleaned house, talked with Donna, made bead kits, talked with internet people, talked with Zach on the phone….blah, blah, blah…

I feel bad because I skipped my walk this morning, and then I had pizza tonight, GAH! Not good! But I PROMISE to walk tomorrow. Ahem, yeah.

Man, I really want an adventure right NOW! I want something to come and drag me away, something that I have to adapt to, and make myself comfortable in. I need a project, something to pour HUGE amounts of myself into, gah, I dunno…maybe the summer is just making me edgy. I would like to go trek through the Amazon, or climb a mountain, or scuba dive….ANYTHING! Join a band, direct a play, shave my head….move to Venice….just something I have never done before!

A dark corner.

Last night I was supposed to have drama practice. My team was going to meet at a church down in C.R. but when we got there our pastor had called practically the whole youth group together, saying that practice and cell groups (that’s where all the other kids came from) were cancelled. We needed to pray. Apparently this week a bunch of crap has been happening to nearly everyone in our youth group, junk that’s never happened before, and our pastor thinks we were under some sort of attack. I don’t know, for some reason I am always a little hesitant to believe that, its seems like the second something goes wrong they blame it on ‘Satan”. But last night I could feel it, it was real. On the way down I felt like I was going to throw up, the thing at the pool started to bother me after I left. I felt like trash, I hated the thought of that perverted guy thinking about me like that. I just wanted to throw up so bad, I kind of think that feeling of disgust was being used to throw me off, like it was being enhanced. We got there and all circled up, about 60 of us. We prayed for our whole group and then we all went to find our own place. I was still feeling so sick, I found a dark corner and was still for a while. Then my friend Brittany walked near, and I felt like I needed her to pray for me, that’s really odd, I normally don’t ask someone to listen to my problems and pray, but I needed this. She was so great about it, and I felt God through her. I wept and she prayed and prayed. She hugged me and I felt a peace come over me.

These last few weeks I have felt like such a pathetic being, not worth anything. I haven’t given god enough time, and I feel wretched about that. But the trouble is, I love him and I know I should spend time with him, but I didn’t want to read my bible, I didn’t want to be still. And not wanting to spend time with God, my word, why? Why not? He has always been TRULY the most faithful love in my life, why didn’t I want to? I wanted to want to, but I didn’t and that made me want to die. My family has been griping about me not being myself, not being as ‘happy’ as I usually am. But how can I ALWAYS be happy? I am human, and I have been having a wretched few weeks. This really showed me how much they count on me, how much of an impact I have in the house. Emily has really been bugging me, she always spent so much time with me, and now that I have been wanting to be ‘alone’ more often, shes mad. I think shes really hurt, but she shows it in this nagging angry way, it drives me crazy and only makes me want to be alone more. This last month has just sucked so bad.

Last night I just came to him, my soul really in despair. I felt so worthless, like I had let him down, my family down, the few friends I have down. I just wanted to feel HIM again, that peace that I have known so often, the time with him that for some reason I have pushed off. I just wanted to feel sane again. I closed my eyes and lifted my thoughts to him, and he was waiting I felt him say that he has missed me, that I can trust him. He will give me peace and always be with me, just hold on. He will never fail me, these people might, but not him. No matter where I am, in good times or bad, alone or with surrounded with people who love me, he is there.

I want to just serve him, to be someone he is proud to say is his, to at least TRY. That’s all I can do, is try and with him succeed in anything I do. I worshiped him, more then I have in the whole last month, it was beautiful. He filled me with so much joy it hurt, I was weeping, but what a pain. I left and I didn’t feel lost, I still wasn’t as happy as I have been, but I think that’s alright. I remembered my God, we were together again, and he touched me. I don’t have to be busting with smiles all the time, but I must remember that I am his, and that is something so wonderful.

Pool drama part 2.

Oh my gosh…we just got back from the pool. That guy was there again, the one who said he ‘liked’ me yesterday. It was even worse today, they kept talking to me asking me, what my name was, where I lived, if I had a boyfriend, where do I go to school, EVERYTHING. It was awful, but worst was when one of his friends came over and said “He wants to take you to a movie, then he wants to get you real slow. He thinks you look like a really special girl, so he said he’d go slow for you. But just so you know, hes a player, I don't think you'd want to go out with him. ”

"Ya think!" OH MY WORD! GAH! So yeah, no beating around the bush. Cripe, this is going to make swimming in the same pool with him REALLY awkward, if I see him again I am going to have to scream it in his face, he can’t seem to take a hint. “NOT INTERESTED!” Man, if I ever wished I had a good guy in my life today was it. I wanted someone to get in this guys face and say “Hey watch it, shes my girl. And thats not how you talk to a lady.” But alas…I had to fend for myself.

Tired.

Man, I am wiped and its only 8:30 a.m. Last night I was on the computer IMing people, and then my new friend Zach called at 11:00p.m. It was really nice to talk to him, hes such an awesome guy. Anyways, I got off at about 12:45p.m. and fell into bed. The alarm went off at 5:00a.m. and I out I went, walking. It had just stopped raining and the air was steamy, but I didn’t mind. There were water droplets on the end of all the leaves, it looked like they had been coated with glass. It was gorgeous. Eh, so yeah, I walked again.

Pool drama.

Pool Drama.

Okay, this afternoon we went to the pool. It wasn’t super warm, so Emily and I dropped our towels and dove in. We swam for a while, having a pretty good time, but there was something that was making me a little edgy. There was this guy, I’m not sure how old he was, but I felt like he was watching me. He had black hair, very tan skin, a little ethnic looking, quite attractive actually, and he was with another guy (with blonde hair) and a girl. Of course, without my glasses I wasn’t for sure so I tried to brush it off. Then Emily and I rested by a wall for a couple of minutes and I heard what they were talking about. “Why don’t you just ask her?” said the boy with the blonde hair, “Just do it man!” They talked about me for like 15 minutes then the blonde boy swam over. “How old are you?” he asked, “Um, 17.” I said. “K, cool.” And back he went to the group of three. About 5 minutes later the girl came over.

“Okay, you see that guy over there?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, do you like him? Because he likes you and wants to know.”
“Um, well I don’t really know him…whats he want to know? If I think hes hot or something? Because to be honest, I wear glasses and I haven’t really been able to get a good look at him.
Oh….(She looked surprised that I didn’t answer with a simple ‘yes or no’)
“So what should I tell him.”
“I don’t know…tell him that sure hes cute, thank him for liking me, and whatever…”
“Alright…”

My gosh! It was so hard to keep a straight face! I mean I am going to be an adult in less then a year, but I was being asked if “I liked this guy I had never met before because he likes me.” *LAUGHS* So they watch me some more, I hear. “Just go ask her man! Do it! Look at her hair! No man, that’s got to be a perm. If you like her just do it! Aw look guy, shes right THERE, go!” So they went on and on….

Emily and I got out and toweled off. I put on my glasses and there he was, smiling at me, grinning actually, and then shyly waved. I waved back and he freaked. Em and I went into the lockeroom to get some more sunscreen, and he yelled “Are you LEAVING????” I shook my head and went through the door. When we came back out he loked so happy, waved again and started showing off on the diving boards. He was really good, back flips, awesome dives, the whole deal. Then the pool closed, and he said ‘bye’ and ran to the lockers.

SO YEAH. I never really talked to the guy, but I will the next time I see him, just to let him know whats going on, so he can relax a litle. It was too funny, sigh, a little flattering to be honest. So yeah, that was the pool today.

Morning walk.

Well I did it. I woke up at five a.m. and went for my walk, an hour and a half. It was so strange, I really think God had his hand on this. I only had five hours of sleep, but when my alarm went off I was completely ready to go, it didn’t hurt at all! I grabbed my ‘Jars of Clay’ cd, and went out into the cool morning. I felt Gods peace about me, like he was saying

“I care even about the small things you want to do, and I am hear to help you. And I love you.”

I have not giving him even close to what he deserves lately. I have worried about the stupidest things, people, my future, how I was going to get my math done this summer, my stupid looks…and I was stressed. I forgot how much peace he gives me, how much I can count on him. Why do I forget? I want so much to always love him, always thank and honor him. I pray I always will.

Minivan madness.

I took the kids to ‘Shrek 2’ tonight, it was alright. I’m having kind of a sucky day, it just started out bad. I got a new swimming suit in the mail today, tried it on and of course was not too happy about the way it looked. Its like I feel like I have been trying really hard to get in shape, but its just not coming along as fast as I’d hope. Its working, all my walking, swimming, better and what not… but still. *Sigh* Cripe its not like how I look REALLY matters, but still. At least I KNOW I am getting stronger and have much more stamina, so that’s good. Tomorrow I am getting up at five to walk/jog early, and I’ll start my health log. Please Camille, please don’t push snooze and go back to bed, get up! Eh, that was interesting.

Anyways, then we went to C.R. this afternoon. The kids were wretched, absolutely horrible. They fought about everything. Then Mom and Laura started in on it, geeze, Laura really doesn’t know when to shut up sometimes, she makes me so freaking angry. We were all crammed in the minivan, we went shopping at Target so we had all that junk, and the kids say they are hungry. So of COURSE they can’t pick ONE place to eat at right? NO! That would be too easy. So we’re driving trough like 20 places, and then driving through again because someone forgot to get this or that….MAN! Our house is half an hour away, but we HAVE to drive through to get our STUPID food because its SO much easier. GAAAHHHHHHH! If I have ever had a migraine it was today! Bah on life and this infernal family!

Oh YAY!

Pizzzap! Woohoo! I just found out that two of my youth leaders, John and Emily, are getting hitched! This is SO great! They are two of the best people I have ever known, and they both seem to care for each other so much…..bah….I am thrilled! I usually don’t care about the ring, but Emily showed it to me and it IS gorgeous! The princess diamonds and white gold are nice, but what makes it SO adorable is that Emily said “Oh Camille, he picked it out himself, he did so good!” Oh gosh, they are so sweet. I sound like such an airhead, but I honestly don’t do this with every engagement I hear about, this is exceptional.

*tears*

My fear of journals.

I have been tossing around the idea of starting a blog for a while, and I have decided to go with it. Well obviously. I have started many a journal in my time, but I HATED the idea of my innermost feelings lying around in a book somewhere, and I was never really motivated to keep them up. This resulted in numerous small books with about a months worth of entries, and many a page torn out.

I do believe this will be good for me though, I need a place where I can vent a little but not worry about stressing out my family/close friends too much. Just a place to say whatever, the important things, as well as the stupidest, minuscule thoughts. Plus I would very much like to improve my writing skills, and practice makes perfect, no?

So that’s that. It has begun.