A dark corner.

Last night I was supposed to have drama practice. My team was going to meet at a church down in C.R. but when we got there our pastor had called practically the whole youth group together, saying that practice and cell groups (that’s where all the other kids came from) were cancelled. We needed to pray. Apparently this week a bunch of crap has been happening to nearly everyone in our youth group, junk that’s never happened before, and our pastor thinks we were under some sort of attack. I don’t know, for some reason I am always a little hesitant to believe that, its seems like the second something goes wrong they blame it on ‘Satan”. But last night I could feel it, it was real. On the way down I felt like I was going to throw up, the thing at the pool started to bother me after I left. I felt like trash, I hated the thought of that perverted guy thinking about me like that. I just wanted to throw up so bad, I kind of think that feeling of disgust was being used to throw me off, like it was being enhanced. We got there and all circled up, about 60 of us. We prayed for our whole group and then we all went to find our own place. I was still feeling so sick, I found a dark corner and was still for a while. Then my friend Brittany walked near, and I felt like I needed her to pray for me, that’s really odd, I normally don’t ask someone to listen to my problems and pray, but I needed this. She was so great about it, and I felt God through her. I wept and she prayed and prayed. She hugged me and I felt a peace come over me.

These last few weeks I have felt like such a pathetic being, not worth anything. I haven’t given god enough time, and I feel wretched about that. But the trouble is, I love him and I know I should spend time with him, but I didn’t want to read my bible, I didn’t want to be still. And not wanting to spend time with God, my word, why? Why not? He has always been TRULY the most faithful love in my life, why didn’t I want to? I wanted to want to, but I didn’t and that made me want to die. My family has been griping about me not being myself, not being as ‘happy’ as I usually am. But how can I ALWAYS be happy? I am human, and I have been having a wretched few weeks. This really showed me how much they count on me, how much of an impact I have in the house. Emily has really been bugging me, she always spent so much time with me, and now that I have been wanting to be ‘alone’ more often, shes mad. I think shes really hurt, but she shows it in this nagging angry way, it drives me crazy and only makes me want to be alone more. This last month has just sucked so bad.

Last night I just came to him, my soul really in despair. I felt so worthless, like I had let him down, my family down, the few friends I have down. I just wanted to feel HIM again, that peace that I have known so often, the time with him that for some reason I have pushed off. I just wanted to feel sane again. I closed my eyes and lifted my thoughts to him, and he was waiting I felt him say that he has missed me, that I can trust him. He will give me peace and always be with me, just hold on. He will never fail me, these people might, but not him. No matter where I am, in good times or bad, alone or with surrounded with people who love me, he is there.

I want to just serve him, to be someone he is proud to say is his, to at least TRY. That’s all I can do, is try and with him succeed in anything I do. I worshiped him, more then I have in the whole last month, it was beautiful. He filled me with so much joy it hurt, I was weeping, but what a pain. I left and I didn’t feel lost, I still wasn’t as happy as I have been, but I think that’s alright. I remembered my God, we were together again, and he touched me. I don’t have to be busting with smiles all the time, but I must remember that I am his, and that is something so wonderful.