Restless, and?

Its been a long day and my body is amazingly tired, but my mind is restless.

Lately I’ve been having a hard time not thinking about the near future, and not worrying about what I’m going to do. I’m not afraid of the future, I’m just annoyed by the uncertainty. It doesn’t help that when ever I run into somebody I know, they ask about what I’m going to do when I graduate. I always give them the same stupid canned answer, that my plan is to get my Gen Ed done at Kirkwood unless something better turns up.

I mean honestly, its not the worst idea…its just…every time I have to say it AGAIN, I briefly analyze it in my mind.

Is that what I want to do? Can I handle living here for at least two more years? Can I handle NOT living with my family during the next two years? Wouldn’t it be great to just pack up and travel for a year or so, see the world? I’ve got the money to do that for a couple of months at least…I just don’t know.

I’ve also been dealing with some struggles as far as my ‘relationships’ go. Besides Linc and Katie, I can barely handle being with the kids down at church anymore. I have absolutely NOTHING in common with the kids in town, and though they seem very fond of my company, and ask to do things often…I rarely accept just because I know its pointless. Don’t even get me started with the kids in my ‘homeschool *shudder* group, I’ve NEVER, ever met someone I wanted to be friends with there.

Chelsea darling, is such a dear girl though. I’d say aside from Katie, shes my best girlfriend right now. That’s one thing, I find it SO hard to fine good girls to hang out with. Either they’re such partiers and divas that I would really never fit in with them, or…well…they’re airheads with almost nothing going on inside their brains besides their ‘boyfriends’ and the latest designer brand their wardrobe MUST completely consist of. Honestly, that sounds superficial but I have found it to be so true, at least in my area. Also, girls, as a rule, tend to be SO completive and jealous…that it just blows my mind. I hate to say it, but I often find guys easier to talk to. Not like I’m one of those girls whos group of friends consist entirely of guys just because she “Likes guys better.”, I WANT girls to chill with for heavens sake, its just a hard task to find them. Well, via the internet I’ve met many a charming lady, to be sure, but….its a bit hard when you want to call her and ask if she wants to go get coffee.

*sigh* I have my sisters though, and they’ve always been the girls I’m closest to, so I suppose I don’t need much more then them…its just a puzzlement. I can’t believe I just said puzzlement.

I’ve also had something else a bit stressful. I was talking to a dear friend the other night, and because of late hours and miscommunication…we had a very stressful, odd conversation. I don’t want to go into what happened, but, it was just a really confusing and troubling thing. Luckily though, its been resolved.

Why does my life seem so complicated right now? It really shouldn’t be, I am extremely busy, that’s true…but I just need to make myself relax, and give someone His due trust. Whats the worst that could happen anyways?

Let me see…the only career I can get into is cleaning public restrooms in Tennessee and I become an old spinster with no friends, thinning hair, and 12 cats.

Okay that’s probably not the healthiest thing to be doing right now, I’ll try and get more positive.

Its quite pathetic, but I’m only now finishing Anna Kareninna. I shouldn’t feel too awful about it though, I didn’t read heavy at first at all. I was reading multiple things and hardly had time to breathe this fall much less read, but now I’m on the home stretch.

I must say though, this completely saddens me. I think that’s one of the reasons I haven’t really pushed myself to finish it, because I don’t want to. I don’t want this little world I can tap into whenever I want, to be over. Sure, I can read it again and again, and I plan on doing so, but it won’t be the same. I’ve never been so in love with a book. I’ve never cared about characters and their struggles, like I care about the ones in Anna. I feel like…even though I’ve read hundreds of books, and some that people would consider ‘great’, that this is my first ‘great, real, amazing…take your pic’ book. I adore it, in so many ways.

God truly gave this world a gift when he gave it Leo Tolstoy.