A mess of Venting and Stress.

Went to a drama meeting last night, apparently we are officially getting the group back together. Ug, but the first thing we are going to do sounds like it’s really going to suck, ah well. I will try and stay positive for Tiff. She’s a good girl.

It was so funny, on the way down I was listening to Greenday, I got there and realized I was wearing my ‘Tropical Brewing Company’ shirt with the mermaid on it, and I pulled out a Stephan King novel to fill out a form on. Heh, so I guess you could say I failed as a youth group groupie. Ah well, at least I’m honest.

Uggg…. The folks had a talk with me last night. They think I am not involved enough, that I can’t focus because I stay up too late….oh and so much other stuff. I was crying by the end of it. It sucked so bad. I don’t know what to do, I guess I am just going to try harder to do extra junk around here….blah. I realize that I haven’t been doing enough around here, I have been frustrated, but I just…I have wanted a break from it all. Oh man, they hounded me…and yes I have screwed up in areas…still. It sucks. I wish I could just run away for a while, not leave the family completely, but just not be part of it right now, and when I came back it would all be the same. Ah! I am rambling, let me try and break it into points.

My problems.

*They think I am not focused.
*They don’t like how much I am on the computer (I realize I have been on it more then ever lately, but compared to most people it’s nothing!).
*They don’t like me getting calls from a certain boy (Even though I HAVE NO STUPID FEELINGS FOR THE GUY!!! And he might as well be a girl for cripes sake! They just don’t trust me!!!)
*They don’t like me driving down to Cedar Rapids so much, okay, fine. Why don’t you dig up some cool people in Vinton for me then, hmm? Please parents!! Do it!! You moved me to this little patch of nothing, whipped me out of school before I even got started, and now you want to gripe at me about my friends being far away and sometimes the opposite sex???? Forget you!!! I have worked my butt off to make you two happy!!! And now I have a couple of bad months, and it’s like all that was for nothing! I am not trying to sneak around and DO anything, it wouldn’t be worth it! Why are they so FREAKING suspicious??? I am 17 years old!!! You don’t need to hold my hand when I cross the freaking street, I am going to be an adult next year!!! You two were three years from being married with a kid when you were my age, but you FREAK out when you hear that I might have a few guy friends that I talk to often! Oh and yes!!!! Now I need to focus more on SCHOOL work, NOW I do! What about all those times I begged to start a new math book??? All those infernal hours of reading??? Why is it NOW school is a PROBLEM for me???? WHY???
*Oh, and my sisters are driving me crazy too. Emily is snippy with me everytime I do something she doesn’t like, go to Cedar Rapids, get on the computer…whatever. If I am not totally entertaining them and being my ‘Charming Camille’ self, she HATES me. And it’s the same with Laura, only she just acts like a bitchy dork. But to be honest, I like her more then Emily lately.
*I don’t know where I want to go to college. Do I stay here in Vinton and attend Kirkwood here and in Cedar Rapids because I can live at home and the folks will pay for school? Or should I just tear myself away, fly somewhere, almost kill myself getting adjusted to living on my own and the pressure of school and bills?
*Yes, I need to work on my math, but we have been so crazy busy that when I find time to do it, Mom can’t help me….gah!!! It’s not that hard, I just need to get the crap done.
*I need to find a a job because I want to start saving up loads of money. Sure I could work lot’s more hours at Dad’s but to be honest…I HATE IT!!!! I hate that place! It’s a beautiful office, I get paid 8 dollars an hour, my father is there…but I hate it!! I always get my work done so quick that I just have to wait for the phone to ring or for the other secretary to bring me something to fax. When there is loads of work to do it’s great, the time fly’s…but there is rarely a day like that for me. I would rather be a waitress with a hundred tables to wait on then this infernal having to dress up and talk to rich old people who are about ready to croak!!!!!
*Oh and yes, the stupid boy I have had somewhat of a crush on for the past three years seems to have no feelings for me now, and you know what? Neither do I!!! What is wrong with me? The boy I was so sure I would like forever, the boy I thought I could maybe, possibly marry, I could care less if I ever saw him again!!! HA!! Am I going insane??? I feel fine, I honestly do, and I think if I were a year older none of this would even be a problem, but it’s this NOW stupid being 17 problem and stiull having my parents control practically everything I do, I have to check EVERYTHING with them. Check check check. Take a cell phone. What are you doing on the computer? Who are you talking to? Why are you talking to them? Come do stuff with us, come come come. Do your dang chores, feed the stupid cat, sort the crappy laundry!!! Mop the stupid floor!!! Oh, but still love us and want to spend time with us, k?

*tears* I do still love them.

Okay, I don’t think I solved ANYTHING but it felt good to get some of that out. I only wish I could give more details, but this is a public blog, and some things should stay inside my head and house. And what a mess I have made of it already. I’m sorry to whoever (if anyone) who might read this. I guess I need to vent and just do and say whatever I want to for a change.

Gah! I wish I was on a plane to the Bahamas right now with a great book on my lap, and a charming guy who loves me sitting next to me. But nope. Isn’t happening. Oh God, I’m sorry to be so stressed. I wish I wasn’t.